10 Ways A Baby Changes Your Life That Nobody Tells You About

Becoming a first-time mom, especially a single mother, is accompanied by a slew of expected life changes. You’re told you will be milking yourself, constantly checking for smelly diapers, and you know…basically doing everything possible to keep your mini human… well, alive! But did you know there are oodles of changes that no one ever tells you about?! Oh, don’t worry, I have you covered. Here are 10 ways a baby changes your life that nobody tells you about.

Granny’s Home

Granny panties woman underwearSo, after that “fun party” and celebration that happened down in your lady parts when delivering a human are over, it is safe to say it takes a bit of time before that party is cleaned up – if you catch my drift. This means it’s granny pantie time! Wearing these butt huggers for the months following birth makes life that much more comfortable. You’re not sure if you will ever go back to butt floss as the idea of anything touching anything below makes we want to swim in a pool of hemorrhoid cream.  Nobody tells you there is a new anthem that takes care of your lady parts- Granny panties for life!!

LSD

 A Baby Changes Your Life

What day is it? What time is it? Yeah, life is a bit like the twilight zone the first few months where if someone tried to convince you that down is up, you’d likely believe it! Things you thought you did yesterday, you actually did in the morning. Things you thought you just did, you really did last week. Time becomes a foreign concept and there is only one culprit to blame. LSD! No no… not the drug, though I am sure the experience would be indistinguishable. But instead, LSD Literally Sleep Deprived!

Sleep with Glasses

 A Baby Changes Your Life

There is nothing more appealing than having to wake up every 3 hours to a crying little angel.  They are hungry or wants their pacifier, or possibly has a heavenly gift waiting for you in their diaper. It doesn’t matter what the occasion is, you need to be quicker than a receding mullet when responding to your little one.  Nobody tells you that means sleeping with your eyeballs ON every single night! Struggle to find where you put your contacts or glasses when you have a hungry nipple sucker, or just keep your second eyes on your eyes!! It really is a win win.

Cold Food

 A Baby Changes Your Life

For whatever reason or sick joke that the universe likes to play, babies tend to always wake up the second you sit down to eat. Like, literally the second your booty hits that seat, “waaaaaaaaaaah”.  After a few months of still attempting to eat hot food, you finally just accept it’s not going to happen and keep a granola bar or cheese stick on you at all times.  Your days of eating food at the appropriate tempeture are long gone! 

A Baby Changes Your Life With Your Boobie Time

 A Baby Changes Your Life

For those Mommas who have decided to breastfeed, you become a real pleasure to have in the house. Whether you have your nipple sticking out of a homemade pumping bra, or you are just chilling with your boob out waiting for your baby to wake up, it always seems to be nipple o’clock.  Walking around topless in front of others becomes the norm and straight-up comfortable! Just as if you lived as Candy the stripper your whole life, but instead of one-dollar bills in your bra, you get chapped nipples.

New Perfume

 A Baby Changes Your Life

With a new baby in town, there is no longer taking the time to look your best for any event. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to get rid of the smell, or how many times you are forced to change your clothes – you will always smell like spit up. Milky, sour, omg why is it everywhere, spit up. You traded in your Gucci perfume for the sweet yet pungent smell of regurgitation.

A Baby Changes Your Life With Memory loss

 A Baby Changes Your Life

Your friend sleep… or shall we say ex-friend, does more damage to your brain than that one spring break in ’98.  You can’t remember what you had for breakfast 30 minutes after eating. Or words…  yes, words.  The ability to form a complete sentence that actually makes sense is a rare event. Nobody tells you that words just do not come out right and that’s if you can even get words to come out at all!!!

Your Are Now a Hermit

a crab, shell , hermit

Having to attend to a mini human all day and all night is just as exhausting as it sounds. But what is even worse is that you can go weeks without even stepping outside your house to check if the sun still exists. Finding energy to put a bra on that isn’t designed for milking is a real challenge. Let’s not forget about the lack of desire to get off the couch and comb the nest on your head…yeah… no thanks! A robe, weighted blanket and trashy tv is all that is needed.

Cracked Out

chapstick

Babies. I mean, can they be any more kissable? Well, yes! When they come out of your own whoo-ha, of course! No one tells you about the crazy amount of uncontrollable kisses you give smoother your baby with. “Ahh so cute, kiss kiss,” “kiss kiss kiss kiss” Darn babies why do they have to be so cute?  The more your kiss, the more your lips turn into glorified cracked sandpaper.  You either live with potentially drawing blood every time you give a smooch, or you invest in a medical grade chapstick.

Get Me Out!

 A Baby Changes Your Life

Though yes, you are a hermit 99.9% of the time, nobody tells you there are actual moments you think you might die if you don’t get the heck out of your cage.  The gas station? Yesss, please!!! The dentist to pull teeth? Absolutely! It doesn’t matter where you are going just as long as it is NOT your couch, bed, house, or timezone (yes I was thinking of Hawaii when I just wrote that)

 

Well there you have it, 10 ways a baby changes your life that nobody tells you about! I bet you didn’t expect any of those coming 😉 And I am sure you all have many other ways to contribute to this list.

<3 Hot Mess

girl, mom, sunglasses, red jumper

 

 

29 comments

  1. […] My procrastination habits have always been all over the place.  Before my son, I was pretty good!  Maybe not like, get it done the first day, good, but like get it done 3 days before, good.  The problem now as a mom is you literally don’t have any time to procrastinate!!! If you put something off till the last minute you JUST FORGOT ABOUT IT!! […]

  2. Super spot on ! Great post .. ALl this and MORE is true for me.. But most importantly the lonelinesss. DUDE !! It’s so lonely.

  3. Had to laugh with all of those…yep yep and yep! The cold food was a hard one for me…or even no food cause you just get so busy looking after baby you forget.

  4. Hahah I’m not a momma yet, but this totally made me laugh because I have so many new mommas in my life! I love your raw honesty and humor in it all. 🙂

    • I still love me some granny panties… I obviously don’t get laid so it’s okay 🙂

  5. Lol this was a great read! I currently have my 5 week old in a baby carrier because he refuses to sleep in his bassinet…and am in the stage where I love taking the trash out because the driveway is a change of scenery!

  6. Isn’t this the truth! Wish I would have come across this before giving birth, this is going to prepare so many people for reality! Thanks for sharing!

  7. It just amaze me how everything in my life has completely changed. I no more think about myself.

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