Becoming a first-time mom, especially a single mother, is accompanied by a slew of expected life changes. You’re told you will be milking yourself, constantly checking for smelly diapers, and you know…basically doing everything possible to keep your mini human… well, alive! But did you know there are oodles of changes that no one ever tells you about?! Oh, don’t worry, I have you covered. Here are 10 ways a baby changes your life that nobody tells you about.
So, after that “fun party” and celebration that happened down in your lady parts when delivering a human are over, it is safe to say it takes a bit of time before that party is cleaned up – if you catch my drift. This means it’s granny pantie time! Wearing these butt huggers for the months following birth makes life that much more comfortable. You’re not sure if you will ever go back to butt floss as the idea of anything touching anything below makes we want to swim in a pool of hemorrhoid cream. Nobody tells you there is a new anthem that takes care of your lady parts- Granny panties for life!!
What day is it? What time is it? Yeah, life is a bit like the twilight zone the first few months where if someone tried to convince you that down is up, you’d likely believe it! Things you thought you did yesterday, you actually did in the morning. Things you thought you just did, you really did last week. Time becomes a foreign concept and there is only one culprit to blame. LSD! No no… not the drug, though I am sure the experience would be indistinguishable. But instead, LSD – Literally Sleep Deprived!
Sleep with Glasses
There is nothing more appealing than having to wake up every 3 hours to a crying little angel. They are hungry or wants their pacifier, or possibly has a heavenly gift waiting for you in their diaper. It doesn’t matter what the occasion is, you need to be quicker than a receding mullet when responding to your little one. Nobody tells you that means sleeping with your eyeballs ON every single night! Struggle to find where you put your contacts or glasses when you have a hungry nipple sucker, or just keep your second eyes on your eyes!! It really is a win win.
For whatever reason or sick joke that the universe likes to play, babies tend to always wake up the second you sit down to eat. Like, literally the second your booty hits that seat, “waaaaaaaaaaah”. After a few months of still attempting to eat hot food, you finally just accept it’s not going to happen and keep a granola bar or cheese stick on you at all times. Your days of eating food at the appropriate tempeture are long gone!
A Baby Changes Your Life With Your Boobie Time
For those Mommas who have decided to breastfeed, you become a real pleasure to have in the house. Whether you have your nipple sticking out of a homemade pumping bra, or you are just chilling with your boob out waiting for your baby to wake up, it always seems to be nipple o’clock. Walking around topless in front of others becomes the norm and straight-up comfortable! Just as if you lived as Candy the stripper your whole life, but instead of one-dollar bills in your bra, you get chapped nipples.
With a new baby in town, there is no longer taking the time to look your best for any event. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to get rid of the smell, or how many times you are forced to change your clothes – you will always smell like spit up. Milky, sour, omg why is it everywhere, spit up. You traded in your Gucci perfume for the sweet yet pungent smell of regurgitation.
A Baby Changes Your Life With Memory loss
Your friend sleep… or shall we say ex-friend, does more damage to your brain than that one spring break in ’98. You can’t remember what you had for breakfast 30 minutes after eating. Or words… yes, words. The ability to form a complete sentence that actually makes sense is a rare event. Nobody tells you that words just do not come out right and that’s if you can even get words to come out at all!!!
Your Are Now a Hermit
Having to attend to a mini human all day and all night is just as exhausting as it sounds. But what is even worse is that you can go weeks without even stepping outside your house to check if the sun still exists. Finding energy to put a bra on that isn’t designed for milking is a real challenge. Let’s not forget about the lack of desire to get off the couch and comb the nest on your head…yeah… no thanks! A robe, weighted blanket and trashy tv is all that is needed.
Babies. I mean, can they be any more kissable? Well, yes! When they come out of your own whoo-ha, of course! No one tells you about the crazy amount of uncontrollable kisses you give smoother your baby with. “Ahh so cute, kiss kiss,” “kiss kiss kiss kiss” Darn babies why do they have to be so cute? The more your kiss, the more your lips turn into glorified cracked sandpaper. You either live with potentially drawing blood every time you give a smooch, or you invest in a medical grade chapstick.
Get Me Out!
Though yes, you are a hermit 99.9% of the time, nobody tells you there are actual moments you think you might die if you don’t get the heck out of your cage. The gas station? Yesss, please!!! The dentist to pull teeth? Absolutely! It doesn’t matter where you are going just as long as it is NOT your couch, bed, house, or timezone (yes I was thinking of Hawaii when I just wrote that)
Well there you have it, 10 ways a baby changes your life that nobody tells you about! I bet you didn’t expect any of those coming 😉 And I am sure you all have many other ways to contribute to this list.
<3 Hot Mess
Haha, well written and informative as ever – and bloody funny! 😀 😀
haha thank you! Glad you enjoyed 🙂
Super spot on ! Great post .. ALl this and MORE is true for me.. But most importantly the lonelinesss. DUDE !! It’s so lonely.
Had to laugh with all of those…yep yep and yep! The cold food was a hard one for me…or even no food cause you just get so busy looking after baby you forget.
I died when I read LSD 😂 so true though!
You are totally right. It can be a struggle. I am rolling at the bra with holes in it.
OMG all of these are so true! The memory loss doesn’t go away either- I keep hoping and the words are still hard to remember sometimes (most times). haha
Hahah I’m not a momma yet, but this totally made me laugh because I have so many new mommas in my life! I love your raw honesty and humor in it all. 🙂
Oh my goodness this is SO SPOT ON. But it’s worth it…right? Most days. 😉
of course! mosttttttt daysss…….wink, sip wine, wink haha 🙂
Ha, love these, and the Granny panties right at the top are cracking me up!
I still love me some granny panties… I obviously don’t get laid so it’s okay 🙂
Lol! This is so accurate and hilarious
Lol this was a great read! I currently have my 5 week old in a baby carrier because he refuses to sleep in his bassinet…and am in the stage where I love taking the trash out because the driveway is a change of scenery!
Isn’t this the truth! Wish I would have come across this before giving birth, this is going to prepare so many people for reality! Thanks for sharing!
LOL! The granny panties and sleeping with my glasses on is definitely a marker of a true mom. Thanks for the laughs.
Lol having a sense of humor really makes it all easier doesn’t it? Great post on the realities of motherhood!
This is funny yes sometimes I’m just like I gotta get out of this house and go somewhere who cares where.
All of these are so true! It would have been helpful for me to have this tidbit of info when my girls were little!
Hahah so very true. I treasure running errands alone now 😛
It is always interesting to read about how other people’s lives change after childbirth. All these stories are important and should be shared.
It just amaze me how everything in my life has completely changed. I no more think about myself.