Becoming a first-time mom is accompanied by a slew of expected life changes. You’re told you will be milking yourself, constantly checking for smelly diapers, and you know…basically doing everything possible to keep your mini human… well, alive! But did you know there are oodles of changes that no one ever tells you about?!
So, after that fun party and celebration that happened down in your lady parts are over, it is safe to say it takes a bit of time before that party is cleaned up – if you catch my drift. This means it’s granny pantie time! Wearing these butt huggers for the months following birth makes life that much more comfortable. You’re not sure if you will ever go back to butt floss. Nobody tells you there is a new anthem to live by – Granny panties for life!!
What day is it? What time is it? Yeah, life is a bit like the twilight zone the first few months where if someone tried to convince you that down is up, you’d likely believe it! Things you thought you did yesterday, you actually did in the morning. Things you thought you just did, you really did last week. Time becomes a foreign concept and there is only one culprit to blame. LSD! No no… not the drug, though I am sure the experience would be indistinguishable. But instead, LSD – Literally Sleep Deprived!
Sleep with Glasses
There is nothing more appealing than having to wake up every 3 hours to a crying little angel. He’s hungry or wants his pacifier, or possibly has a heavenly gift waiting for you in his diaper. It doesn’t matter what the occasion is, you need to be quicker than a receding mullet when responding to your little one. Nobody tells you that means sleeping with your eyeballs ON every single night! Well, unless you are trying to win a trophy for being the most detested person in the house, that is.
For whatever reason or sick joke that the universe likes to play, babies tend to always wake up the second you sit down to eat. Like, literally the second your booty hits that seat, “waaaaaaaaaaah”. After a few months of still attempting to eat hot food, you finally just accept it’s not going to happen and keep a granola bar or cheese stick on you at all times. Well, maybe not the cheese stick if it’s summer?
For those Mommas who have decided to breastfeed, you become a real pleasure to have in the house. Whether you have your nipple sticking out of a homemade pumping bra, or you are just chilling with you boob out waiting for your baby to wake up, it always seems to be nipple o’clock. Nobody tells you walking around topless in front of others becomes the norm and straight up comfortable! Just as if you lived as Candy the stripper your whole life.
With a new baby in town, there is no longer taking the time to look your best for any event. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to get rid of the smell, or how many times you are forced to change your clothes – you will always smell like spit up. Milky, sour, omg why is it everywhere, spit up. You welcome the fact you traded in your Gucci perfume for the sweet yet pungent smell of regurgitation.
Your friend sleep… or shall we say ex-friend, does more damage to your brain than that one spring break in ’98. You can’t remember what you had for breakfast 30 minutes after eating. Or words… yes, words. The ability to form a complete sentence that actually makes sense is a rare event. Nobody tells you that words just do not come out right and that’s if you can even get words to come out at all!!!
Become a Hermit
Having to attend to a mini human all day and all night is just as exhausting as it sounds. But what is even worse is that you can go weeks without even stepping outside your house to check if the sun still exists. Finding energy to put a bra on that isn’t designed for milking is a real challenge, and desire to get off the couch and comb the nest on your head…yeah… no thanks!
Babies. I mean, can they be any more kissable? Well, yes! When they come out of your own whoo-ha, of course! No one tells you about the crazy amount of uncontrollable kisses you give your baby and that you will think something is seriously wrong with you. Additionally, the more you smother those kisses on their cute chubby cheeks, the more your lips turn into glorified cracked sandpaper. You either live with potentially drawing blood every time you give a smooch, or you invest in a great deal of ChapStick.
Get Me Out!
Though yes, you are a hermit 99.9% of the time, nobody tells you there are actual moments you think you unquestionably might die if you don’t get the heck out of your cage. The gas station? Yesss, please!!! The dentist? Absolutely! It doesn’t matter where you are going just as long as it is NOT your house.
Well there you have it, 10 ways a baby changes your life that nobody tells you about! I bet you didn’t expect any of those coming 😉
<3 Hot Mess