After having a baby as a new mom, meeting someone probably seems impossible unless it is online or at postpartum check-ups at your gyneo (not advised). The idea of getting back on a dating app makes you more sick to your stomach than yesterday when you confused the poop underneath your finger nails for melted chocolate. Whether you meet someone online or offline, on Tinder or while reaching for the same sample cup at Costco, a date will happen.
So hopefully this helps with How to Prepare for a Date as a Single New Mom
CLEAN OUT YOUR PURSE
Remove all the ziplock bags of goldfish from your evening clutch and replace it with a ziplock bag filled with Tylenol and breath mints. You will probably get a headache after one drink (Tylenol) and get sick after 4 (Breath mints). Also, remember to remove all pacifiers and candy in your purse, unless you want to give the impression you go to raves and sell molly in your spare time.
If your boobs look anything like mine did, a push-up bra will help make your lopsided bean bags look more like those normal boobs you once had. No one needs to know your boobs look like a ‘Picasso’ underneath your shirt. So let’s plump them up, and show off the girls as if your kid didn’t suck the life out of them on the daily. Dating as a single mom after having a baby is not only a new start for you, but also for your beautiful honkers.
HIDE BABY BATH TIME
If you bring him home, the odds are very high he will need to use your bathroom. If you have a potty trainer on your toilet… yeah… hide that, please? Also, clean up all the dinosaur toys inside the bath and remove the “I am a big boy” towel from the rack. Being surrounded by rubber duckies and the ABC’s when urinating in the bathroom is literally the opposite of an aphrodisiac.
I am sure shaving has never been a thing for a long time because honestly… who cares! you can’t even reach half your body parts when pregnant! But if you are going out with a man where there is a possibility of a leg graze, your fur leg coat has got to go! Dating after a baby means waxing, Nairing, and getting your kitchen scissors ready. Tarantula legs are not so much a sexy thing.. well at least in this country.
HIDE THE GRANNY PANTIES
As much as granny panties have become your new best friend due to their comfort and ability with hiding your mom butt, they need to be buried deep in your closet before going on a date. We appreciate and understand the greatness of granny panties, but it might bring up memories of their mom instead of sexy thoughts with you. Break up with those panties and get ready to rock your butt floss again.
CLEAN UP YOUR HOUSE
Just in case your date is worthy of coming in for a nightcap, it is always good to be prepared. Get your hand vacuum and clean up all the cheerios from the floor and your bed. Remove the cars and Legos from the couch creases. Change your sheets so it doesn’t smell like your kid’s butt. Dating after having a baby means removing toy cars, stuffed animals, and all other types of battery operated toys that might be in your bed 😉
KEEPING UP WITH CURRENT EVENTS
Though your world currently consists of no sleep, diapers and nipple cream, probably best not to share that on your date. “Being in the know” with what is happening in the world that exists outside your house will be beneficial. Current events you both know will lead to a legit conversation. Or you can just discuss tantrum or poop stories with him all night because that is surely the way to get in the mood.
Hopefully, if you are going on a date for the first time after having a baby you feel a bit more prepared after reading this.
<3 Hot Mess