After having a baby as a new mom, meeting someone probably seems impossible unless it is online or at postpartum check-ups at your gyneo (not advised). The idea of getting back on a dating app makes you more sick to your stomach than yesterday when you confused the poop underneath your finger nails for melted chocolate. Whether you meet someone online or offline, on Tinder or while reaching for the same sample cup at Costco, a date will happen.
So hopefully this helps with How to Prepare for a Date as a Single New Mom
CLEAN OUT YOUR PURSE
Remove all the ziplock bags of goldfish from your evening clutch and replace it with a ziplock bag filled with Tylenol and breath mints. You will probably get a headache after one drink (Tylenol) and get sick after 4 (Breath mints). Also, remember to remove all pacifiers and candy in your purse, unless you want to give the impression you go to raves and sell molly in your spare time.
If your boobs look anything like mine did, a push-up bra will help make your lopsided bean bags look more like those normal boobs you once had. No one needs to know your boobs look like a ‘Picasso’ underneath your shirt. So let’s plump them up, and show off the girls as if your kid didn’t suck the life out of them on the daily. Dating as a single mom after having a baby is not only a new start for you, but also for your beautiful honkers.
HIDE BABY BATH TIME
If you bring him home, the odds are very high he will need to use your bathroom. If you have a potty trainer on your toilet… yeah… hide that, please? Also, clean up all the dinosaur toys inside the bath and remove the “I am a big boy” towel from the rack. Being surrounded by rubber duckies and the ABC’s when urinating in the bathroom is literally the opposite of an aphrodisiac.
I am sure shaving has never been a thing for a long time because honestly… who cares! you can’t even reach half your body parts when pregnant! But if you are going out with a man where there is a possibility of a leg graze, your fur leg coat has got to go! Dating after a baby means waxing, Nairing, and getting your kitchen scissors ready. Tarantula legs are not so much a sexy thing.. well at least in this country.
HIDE THE GRANNY PANTIES
As much as granny panties have become your new best friend due to their comfort and ability with hiding your mom butt, they need to be buried deep in your closet before going on a date. We appreciate and understand the greatness of granny panties, but it might bring up memories of their mom instead of sexy thoughts with you. Break up with those panties and get ready to rock your butt floss again.
CLEAN UP YOUR HOUSE
Just in case your date is worthy of coming in for a nightcap, it is always good to be prepared. Get your hand vacuum and clean up all the cheerios from the floor and your bed. Remove the cars and Legos from the couch creases. Change your sheets so it doesn’t smell like your kid’s butt. Dating after having a baby means removing toy cars, stuffed animals, and all other types of battery operated toys that might be in your bed 😉
KEEPING UP WITH CURRENT EVENTS
Though your world currently consists of no sleep, diapers and nipple cream, probably best not to share that on your date. “Being in the know” with what is happening in the world that exists outside your house will be beneficial. Current events you both know will lead to a legit conversation. Or you can just discuss tantrum or poop stories with him all night because that is surely the way to get in the mood.
Hopefully, if you are going on a date for the first time after having a baby you feel a bit more prepared after reading this.
<3 Hot Mess
Once again, you were hilarious!! Best wishes to you in dating and blogging, and mommying, too!
I love it! Sexy mama butt floss and shaved legs are definitely good for date night after having a baby. I remember being single after my first son and going on a date and feeling so scared that my mom bod was gonna scare him off. Here we are 6 years later and I can finally prick him with my leg fur 😂
I love this! sexy mama butt floss is something I pull out every now and then. Dating as a single mama is tough, I was there, and I remember thinking my new mom bod was gonna be a total deal breaker. Here we are 6 years later and I’m pricking him with my leg hair lol
I love this article. Sometimes you are so engrossed in being a mother you forget how to go on a date! Great topic!
Very true! I struggle with trying to get out there but it is important 🙂
Great post! The Granny Panties really made me giggle!
ahah thanks they make me giggle too 🙂
Ah ah ah very funny, but for me the barrier is more psychological, I do not imagine having a date just after my delivery, so I would be afraid that this other man hurt me ah ah ah just a personal apprehension and without foundation
that makes sense 🙂 This post was more like a year or so after the baby. I wouldnt be able to do it right away either!
Ha! Yes! I will have to share this post with my single mama friend in the middle of the baby years. It’s a challenge enough for me to get ready to go out on a date with my husband with two little ones at home, let alone attempting to have real conversations with someone new. Great tips.
This is too funny! I should even take some of these tips to use when my husband and I plan a date.
haha yes you should! 🙂
Too funny! Thanks for sharing! I had to do the whole dating after divorce thing, but my first husband and I didn’t have kids, so it was a completely different game!
Love this! I always need a reminder to hide my granny panties! Haha
This is a GREAT and funny read! I would even do these things for my husband1
I LOL’d at this. I’m so glad I’m out of the dating scene, it sounds like a job. I’m also oldschool and feel like no great lovestory ever started with “We both swiped right.” I will have to remember these the next date night I get though.
This list is awesome! I’m sure so many of these tips get skipped but do make it even more special. We’re going on 10 years after having a baby and are still waiting for that first date. Ha! Just kidding, but we haven’t had many since!
haha this post is so on point. dating as a single mom is horrible… i am not ready 😂😂