This post has been reformated and republished from its original publish date on September 26th, 2017
There is an unexpected twist or even a kick, you might say, that now accompanies my search for love. For now, I am feeling something I never thought I would feel… Experiencing something authentically new and utterly foreign…
Being single, well, duh… but being single and ….
You guessed it, pregnant!
Pregnant and Single.
Now I, like most women, know I will be sacrificing my lifestyle, my space, my freedom, gravity’s kindness to my boobs – practically my life as I know it. And I, like most women, know when I get to meet my little miracle for the first time that all of these sacrifices will be waayyyy beyond worth it.
But I, unlike most women, am not having a baby in what many would call the “correct” life order. You know- First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage? The order that has been embedded into our heads from a very young age, yet thankfully is progressing with the times…I think?
I have never been the most typical human being or lived the most conventional life, so having a baby in a non-conventional fashion is probably not much of a shocker for anyone who knows me. But since I have accidentally decided to switch up this traditional sequence, I am faced with living without what most women already experience prior to a baby. The first part of this “correct” life order and something I have not felt in years.
Love.
Ugh, love… not love. Not the one thing I have been endlessly searching and suffering from for years on end. Yes, Tinder dates are by definition a form of torture.
With no relationship possible with the father, dating while pregnant not ideal and dating while I am busy concentrating on how the heck to be a mom not happening… For the past 7 months and until further notice…
I am giving up on love.
No, not forever- calm down, but definitely until I have the whole mom thing figured out. And yes, I know I have not had much luck in the love department over the past 5 years, but the anticipation that my ongoing efforts would one-day pay off is the one thing that kept my hopes alive. My fuel, you could say, to sit through ridiculous rom-com movies without completely wanting to shoot myself in the foot and spill my gallon of ice cream all over my sister’s dog.
For a very long time, it has been clear I have issues opening up and letting others in. When a guy gets in he then has the power to hurt me and I will not have my happiness in the palm of anyone’s hand but my own. I think it’s this fear of co-dependence that frightens me and holds me back. It’s an invisible, impenetrable wall that still stubbornly stands in my way.
Vulnerability? Ummm no thanks!
But… CRAP! I decided to have a baby…
I just inadvertently made myself the most vulnerable I have and will ever be in my life!!
What was I thinking!?!?
When I first found out I was pregnant, the number of thoughts that erupted in my head were endless. Pregnant and single, I was sleepless for weeks contemplating my life and what may come ahead. My thoughts solely focused on whether or not I would be able to give everything I needed to give in order to be an amazing mother. Ensuring I was capable to provide unconditional love for this baby and give him the best life possible. All of my concerns were concentrated on verifying I had everything I needed to give, without a single thought that this baby might be giving me something back in return.
But recently I have noticed a change within myself as I have mentally prepared to become a mother. Though there have been many unwanted physical changes…ugh so MANY, there have been even more internal changes. I’ve begun to taste that soon my life will revolve around this baby boy. That his happiness will be my happiness. His pain will by my pain.
It’s officially happened… My happiness now lies in the palm of my unborn child’s hand.
It’s like this innate preparation for his arrival is occurring and it has naturally started opening me up in a way I have never felt before, creating a new kind of love and vulnerability. Love and vulnerability that I cannot escape or try to run from but instead just embrace.
Possibly experiencing this new love for a child is a prerequisite before love and marriage can happen to me, regardless of how the song is sung. Because even though I do not necessarily want to put finding love on the back-burner, maybe this is a fundamental step before love can ever happen. Maybe there are some of us out there that need to embrace this new vulnerability that a child exposes us to in order to be able to truly open up in other ways.
Perhaps the correct order for some is to sacrifice romantic love to first give unconditional love to a child.
Maybe for us, this is how the song is sung.
Giving up love, for love.
<3 A Pregnant and Single Hot Mess
I like your reasoning! <3
I started reading your blog when I was looking for Australia and Tinder.
Your blog was perfect — it was so honest, funny, and down to earth and it answered so many of my questions.
I loved how you weren’t taking yourself super seriously and I admired your bravery to just try what’s life like in Sydney.
I got hurt by Tinder, as well. I was trying to be nice and kind but I didn’t feel that a) was being valued much in Australia
and b) wasn’t much of a value in Australia. I remember the day I gave up on it. I chatted with some Ausssie guy and I said
(pretty much directly) ‘I have a feeling you were using other fake profiles to chat with me. Could you stop?’ and he responded with ‘I don’t think I’m doing
anything wrong, I just need to diversify’, at which point I didn’t get angry, I just understood that Tinder was like a game to
(most not all) of them, and I stopped using it.
I wish you the best of luck with your new chapter, and I think you made the right call to return back home.
I also enjoy reading the your pistachio stories, and I hope that you continue to write because you’re good at it
Take care!
Hey Emile! Thanks for your compliments 🙂 I definitely try to not always take things to seriously, life is too short and bad shit is always going to happen, right? Might as well make the most of it 🙂 I will try to keep my blog going as long as life allows me!
Tinder is one of those funny things. Many of my friends have actually found love with Tinder and are married now or engaged. Then there are people like us who just meet idiots for the most part and have never seen that reliable side of the app. It is safe to say my Tinder days are over now that I will be having a son in about a month. And it is also safe to say that I will not miss it a darn bit! 🙂
Wish you the best of luck as well <3
Hey Michelle,
Congratulations for having a baby!
Your blog is so much fun, I can’t believe you had such a huge adventure and lived in Sydney, I can’t even image what’s it like. Your blog is one of my favorites and it’s that perfect mix of slapstick and wit
(https://hotmessgoestooz.com/2016/12/07/an-american-down-under-8-reasons-living-abroad-during-the-2016-presidential-election-sucked/#.WsyA5YhubIU) — this was such a good read and this was very gracious (https://hotmessgoestooz.com/2017/04/26/my-open-break-up-letter-to-australia/#.WsyCBIhubIU) — I don’t personally believe Australia is so kind but that’s why it’s gracious.
I’ve been thinking about why apps don’t work. They rob you of one essential component required for love to grow — time. When two people are locked in (matched) and they both feel nervous, it’s very hard for love to flourish if both are under pressure to perform. Add to that swiping and seeing if there’s a next best thing out there, it’s not good for human nature
I think that love needs time to grow (1) and it needs a good man (2), both are very hard
I’ve found that guys that are a little bit more traditional tend to make good partners. If they have (had) a good relationship with their mom or sister, it means that they have that sensitive side essential for a good partner when taking care. If a guy is very rough, and he goes out drinking and doesn’t even know of self-care, it’s hard for him to care for someone else.
There are also guys that have been through a divorce, and often times we hold it against them, but think, doesn’t that mean they’ve practiced love, sacrifice, and giving already? If a guy’s in his 30’s and has had that experience and no baggage, research shows that those relationships tend to last (relationships made later on in life, as opposed to 21)
If someone worked for IBM, we would say that it’s great that he had that experience, we wouldn’t expect him to work for that one company and never ever fail, if that makes sense
Perhaps some inspiration for your future posts — What are the differences between West Coast and Sydney? Do American Values of the American Dream ever get in conflict with the Tall Poppy Syndrome and how? What are Orange County guys like VS Australian (Sydney) guys?
You could write a book (no sarcasm) because I like reading stuff that is sincere and autobiographical yet interesting, and you just write for writing, not because you’re selling a product (like many other travel bloggers)
Thanks for your nice wishes, and I hope April has been kind to you and your family x
Hi Emilie!
I am so happy you enjoy my blog! I have thought about writing a book covering my experiences and adventures in Australia. It is just a lot of work!!!! So hopefully I get to doing it one day 🙂
And thanks for the inspirations for new posts! I definitly will start writing about dating men here in Cali, but I am just waiting till I actually get back on the dating scene.. which frankly I am NOT looking forward too haha
Hopefully by that time they have invented a dating app that actually fixes the problems you mentioned above.. but not likely 🙂
Congratulations!
So honest and beautiful! I hope that you find love in it all aspects of your life
This sentence – “Perhaps the correct order for some is to sacrifice romantic love to first give unconditional love to a child.” is so beautiful. There is nothing like loving a child and experiencing this makes you one lucky women. Congratulation on your new addition!
I love your honesty. There is no right way to live life. Keep making your own path for you and your little!
Great read! Babies are just so much joy! And after having kids (especially the second) my relationship with my husband is MUCH different than it was in the beginning. Not bad… just more distant. But the kids are SO worth it!