A month before I found out I was pregnant 2 years ago, I decided to go on a well-needed trip for some solo adventures down under. Little did I know this was going to be my last escapade in Australia before I had to move back to Los Angeles.
Here is that adventure in Brisbane 🙂
Oohhhhh Brissie, Brisneyland or even Brisvegas. Brisbane, Queensland has so many names you would have to think it’d be pretty dope, right?
Well, I guess not according to EVERYONE. I was the only one who thought a weekend away in Brisvegas would be fun. But in their defense, they had never been on a 72 hour getaway with Hot Mess before:)
It had been waaayyyy too long since participating in some solo adventures while exploring this beautiful country. So regardless of what the crowd said, it was time for me and the infamous Brissie Von Dizzle to finally play.
The adventure begins at the airport. Yes, the airport because your fate is always unknown when flying with good ole Tigerair. Not only was my flight postponed for an hour, but we also got stuck out on the Tarmac for 93 minutes!! Yeah.. that’s right, this girl counted!! And there was only one way for Tiger to eliminate the angry mob forming inside the aircraft.
Bring on the booze.
Ohhhh Tigerair, the most reliable airline you can always count on to be unreliable!
Park Regis North Quay
Sometimes speaking a bit of bad German while having smeared eyeliner all over your face can go a long way with hotel staff. At least long enough to randomly get a nice upgrade at the Park Regis in North Quay with a view to die for. The problem though is, the bigger the room really just means the bigger the mess and I definitely did not pack enough to do the space justice. But after an hour of putting in some serious effort into at least one room, it was time for adventures in Brisbane to start! I was off to the only place anyone should be on a Friday night.
The casino and all its glory.
I strolled right into the Treasury Casino without even getting carded (those ass holes), expecting to see a large floor filled with dazzling slots and magnificent blackjack tables. Yeah… no.
Instead, I walked into pure mayhem! With only 5 open tables, a hundred drunk idiots were surrounding each one as if 12 years old and witnessing their first wet t-shirt contest. This was all amateur hour and not a place I could see myself winning any money or hearts that night.
I quickly left the chaos and jumped into a cab screaming, “Take me somewhere fun Mr. Driver!!“
Ten minutes later we arrive at the cabbie driver’s bar of choice, the Pig N’ Whistle. Hmmm oink, out of every dang authentic Brisbane bar in the city, he took me to this place. Just imagine your typical overcrowded generic British Pub chain but with girls practically half naked while eating fish and chips. Other than the fact I accidentally crashed a lesbian Tinder date and ate shit on the dance floor not once but twice, it is safe to say my first attempt at a night out in Brissie was an utter doozy.
Brisbane Morning Time
With a bedroom covered in windows, I woke up that next morning being completely molested by the sunrise.
No, sun I did not want to wake up yet. I wanted to sleep.
I said no no no stop it, sun, but that beautiful bastard just kept on rising.
Now up at the butt crack of dawn, it was time to find some brekkie that was as equally memorable as my morning sunrise. I headed to a place highly recommended by the internet because you know the internet is always right. At Coffee Anthology all I wanted was some scrambled eggs and bacon because BACON CURES EVERYTHING (everything). I waved down the lady and said my order for her to respond with, “Sorry miss, we are out of bacon and we do not scramble eggs, we only cook our eggs at 63 degrees.” Erm, huh? What the fuck kind of hipster shit is that? Annoyed and abruptly turning into a 5-year-old, I just pointed at whatever was on the stupid menu requesting my eggs be cooked at 66.5 degrees instead. The waitress did not find me amusing.
Because I had not wasted enough money yet, spending time checking out the collective markets just seemed like the best way to fix that. This market in South bank consisted of about 60 different small booths selling their own unique items and gems. 60 bucks for a Kangaroo leather wallet for my dad, boom. 30 bucks for some earring I already lost, boom. And 40 bucks for a beautiful dream catcher, which doesn’t seem to be catching anything but mosquitos above my bed.
Regardless of the damage on my card, the shops were all very cool to check out, and the shop owners were as equally friendly.
Next up was night kayaking in the River. I was quite worried about this decision due to like, really sucking at this in the past!
I arrived roughly 40 minutes late due to getting lost and also, totally losing track of time playing with a 3-year-old Papua New Guinea baby at the beach. You know, the norm. The staff had patience with me but skipped the kayak lesson in order to catch up to everyone else.
Everyone had already started to paddle off as I sat down in the Kayak and BLOP! Face down in the water.
But no no I got this I got this!
Jump back on, BLOP!
Crap!!! No, Michelle, you got this. Focus woman!!
At this point, I have two hot instructors grabbing my body in interesting places trying to get me into the death boat and finally, they were successful. I was in and paddling, but oh hell, why is my boat going the wrong way? Why am I going backward! Why oh crap, BLOP!
The current of the river was so strong, I could not paddle fast enough to move from the stupid spot I was in.
Aww but then there was hope! A few seconds later I finally was moving! Whoo hoo I finally got the hang of it. Oh crap, no.. no I didn’t. In reality, I was being towed by 2 instructors pushing the end of my kayak back to the dock.
That was it…
They all threw in their towels! My kayaking adventure was quickly put to rest but a new adventure was just about to begin. The adventure of realizing my phone had been in my bra that entire freakin time 🙁
With whatever dignity I had left and any chance of my phone working now laying at the bottom of the Brisbane River, it was best for me to go. I left RiverLife to go into temporary hiding and relax a bit. You know, take a quick power nap before a wild night out in Brisbane.
I woke up from my nap to find the sunrise!! I can’t freaking believe it. My 1 hour nap turned into 8! There went my last chance at finding love at da club in Brissie. It probably was not likely, but now we will never know, now will we?!
My final day started at the Museum of Modern Art. Normally I would spend at least an hour or so checking out all the cool exhibits but that was just not gonna happen today. There were 20 no 30, maybe 1,200 kids running around this place screaming like their parents just gave them a mountain of ice cream. I was not feeling it (probably because I didn’t get any ice cream) so I did my rounds around the beautiful art and bounced over to something less.. hmm frantic?
But overall Brisbane was a bundle of good times, with friendly faces and cool hangouts at each corner. I found that I was right! There is plenty to do in Brisbane if you actually take the time to find it.
Discovering new cities in beautiful Australia has yet to disappoint and I have a strong feeling that it never will.
Till next time Brisbane <3
Check out the full photo album from Brisbane here.
<3 Hot Mess