Oh hello again! Welcome to the next chapter of The Story of the Pistachio. I am back with yet another new discovery on love but with still no tangible finding of love.
In this chapter we have a bit of an unexpected twist or even a kick, you might say, that now accompanies my search for love. For now, I am feeling something I never thought I would feel… Experiencing something authentically new and utterly foreign…
Being single, well, duh… but being single and ….
You guessed it, pregnant!
Now I, like most women, know I will be sacrificing my lifestyle, my space, my freedom, gravity’s kindness to my boobs – practically my life as I know it. And I, like most women, know when I get to meet my little miracle for the first time that all of these sacrifices will be waayyyy beyond worth it.
But I, unlike most women, am not having a baby in what many would call the “correct” life order. You know- First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage? The order that has been embedded into our heads from a very young age, yet thankfully is progressing with the times…I think?
I have never been the most typical human being or lived the most conventional life, so having a baby in a non-conventional fashion is probably not much of a shocker for anyone who knows me. But since I have accidentally decided to switch up this traditional sequence, I am faced with living without what most women already experience prior to a baby. The first part of this “correct” life order and something I have not felt in years.
Ugh, love… not love. Not the one thing I have been endlessly searching and suffering from for years on end. Yes, Tinder dates are by definition a form of torture.
With no relationship possible with the father, dating while pregnant not ideal and dating while I am busy concentrating on how the heck to be a mom not happening… For the past 7 months and until further notice…
I am giving up on love.
No, not forever- calm down, but definitely until I have the whole mom thing figured out. And yes, I know I have not had much luck in the love department over the past 5 years, but the anticipation that my ongoing efforts would one-day pay off is the one thing that kept my hopes alive. My fuel, you could say, to sit through ridiculous rom-com movies without completely wanting to shoot myself in the foot and spill my gallon of ice cream all over my sister’s dog.
From the very beginning of my pistachio discovery, it has been clear I have issues opening up and letting others in. When a guy gets let in he then has the power to hurt me and I will not have my happiness in the palm of anyone’s hand but my own. I think it’s this fear of co-dependence that frightens me and holds me back. It’s an invisible, impenetrable wall that still stubbornly stands in my way.
Vulnerability? Ummm no thanks!
But.. CRAP! I decided to have a baby…
I just inadvertently made myself the most vulnerable I have and will ever be in my life!!
What was I thinking!?!?
When I first found out I was pregnant, the amount of thoughts that erupted in my head were endless. I was sleepless for weeks contemplating my life and what may come ahead. My thoughts solely focused on whether or not I was able to give everything I needed to give in order to be an amazing mother. That I was capable to provide unconditional love for this baby and give him the best life possible. All of my concerns were concentrated on verifying I had everything I needed to give, without a single thought that this baby might be giving me something back in return.
But recently I have noticed a change within myself as I mentally get ready to become a mother. Though there have been many unwanted physical changes…ugh so MANY, there have been even more internal changes. I’ve begun to taste that soon my life will revolve around this baby boy. That his happiness will be my happiness. His pain will by my pain.
It’s officially happened… My happiness now lies in the palm of my unborn child’s hand.
It’s like this innate preparation for his arrival is occurring and it has naturally started opening me up in a way I have never felt before, creating a new kind of love and vulnerability. Love and vulnerability that I cannot escape or try to run from but instead just embrace.
Possibly experiencing this new love for a child is a prerequisite before love and marriage can happen for me, regardless of how the song is sung. Because even though I do not necessarily want to put finding love on the back-burner, maybe this is a fundamental step before love can ever happen. Maybe there are some of us out there that need to embrace this new vulnerability that a child exposes us to in order to be able to truly open up in other ways.
Perhaps the correct order for some is to sacrifice romantic love to first give unconditional love to a child.
Maybe for us, this is how the song is sung.
Giving up love, for love.
<3 Hot Mess