The Unattainable Girl: The Story of the Pistachio

I have been 100 percent single… ALONE, whatever you want to call it, going on now almost 3 long years.  I would have never thought of myself as being one who would go this long without finding someone to deeply admire.  I tried for years in America with no luck, and assumed for sure luck would be on my side once living in Australia.

HA! NO.

Between the two countries, I have been on well over a  hundred of dates, with more than a hundred a men during this time period,  and only  two percent of those men ever even sparked my interest.   Even  fewer ever led to a  second date before I said  to myself, “EHHHHHH .UMM. NO”, and kept on trucking.

I AM proactive with my love life. I approach guys when out, I Tinder, I do Match, I get set up.  I want love, I want a best friend,  I want to enjoy a  man on an emotional and physical level, of course. My intentions ARE all there!! 

 Guys ARE interested in me, guys DO like me, I AM wanted by many….

So then what the hell is the problem???

What is so terribly wrong with me that I am unable to develop interest, feelings, or even a bit of intrigue about  someone of the opposite sex for more than 56 seconds?

How can I have such a TAKE-CHARGE approach to finding a guy, but subconsciously  never actually  give any of them a chance?

 ……………………………………………

The Story of the Pistachio

One day, I  was sitting at my dining room table and texting back some guy I had no interest in.  As I sat there, simultaneously deleting  guys messages one by one  from online sites,  I decided to grab a handful of pistachios from the jar on the centerpiece right in front me. While ignoring other  texts from the regular hopefuls, I began cracking open the pistachio shells and enjoying the delicious treats.  Some were almost completely open, with the pistachio just barely staying inside the shell. Others were a bit more closed, but just needed a little tug or two to get open.  And then there were pistachios that were almost completely shut,  looking really annoying to open, but definitely sized up still doable.

A few minutes went by and I was now nearing the bottom of the jar.   I noticed that all the easy to get pistachios were no longer there, and the only ones that were left were the ones with the closed shells.  Ugh, NOT the Closed Shelled! These are the ones everyone throws back in jar because they are impossible to open. The ones where if you want to get inside that shell, you will have to risk breaking a tooth or slicing your finger open to even touch that pistachio.  THOSE ones that are the inconceivable challenge with shells so tightly closed, they ultimately become unattainable.

Then it dawned on me..

SHIT.

I AM THAT PISTACHIO

WAIT, what!? When did this happen!? How did this happen!?

LOVE

HEARTBREAK

TIME 

Yeaaah… that ALL HAPPENED

I can remember being 19 years old and falling in love for the first time. The guy really wasn’t anything special (sorry dude, you just weren’t) but a friend had set me up and within days I was head over heals in love. I was 100 percent open and available for love. There was no requirements of the guy or expectations from him. I was not thinking about our life together 10 years from then. It was just me.. in love..and letting it all in.

I was that pistachio you find without a shell  just there to indulge, with no rough edges to get through, or shells to break…. just there with an open heart, and delightful.

Capture

This boy ended up cheating on me, breaking my heart… and I remember feeling this  pain in my chest that I never knew could even exist.  Though we all recover and probably never think about, your first heartbreak is something you never forget. You might not even remember that pricks name by now, but I bet you can still remember how he made you feel. That emotion is embedded into your memory till the end of time, and without even realizing it ever even happened….  you now have a shell.

I have fallen in love 4 times since then, and obviously with each one comes another heartbreak. Closing my shell millimeter after millimeter after each one.
Becoming at one time or another every type of pistachio I touched within the jar.

By the time I was ready for my last relationship, my shell was already 3/4 closed.  I was still relatively obtainable, but some time and effort  was needed before I would let my walls down. And finally….I did.  After a few months time, the shell was gone and I allowed myself to fall so deeply and far in love it was like I was 19 again.  But there was a problem.. I wasn’t 19, I was 27. I now had cares in the world, I now had to think about the future.  In that moment.. when you realize you are madly in love but in a relationship that was set up to fail, all  you begin to see is an expiration date in his eyes and your heart shattering  all over the floor.

I was now that shell-less pistachio that I had dropped on the ground moments earlier.. that will get crushed into pieces the moment I stand up.

That introspection and that break up, was by far one of the most painful experiences I have ever had. Long, drawn out, and quite ugly, it made my life unbearable to live for months. I made a promise to myself during that time, that I would never put myself in the same situation again.  I would never wear my heart on my sleeve while setting  myself up for failure at the same time.

I would never let love hurt me that hard again.

And in that moment, it was as of my brain connected with my heart, and I have been completely rewired ever since..

I became a brand new pistachio.

But with a shell that was protectively shut.

Now almost 3 years later, the pain of all my past relationships are all but memories, as I feel like I have forgotten what heartbreak and love even feels like. Within all this time,  I have become the strongest, whole, most delicious pistachio I think I have ever been, but ironically covered with the most resistant shell I have ever encountered .  Without even realizing, I  had become that closed shelled pistachio that many desire to open, but never can.

It is amazing how well defense mechanisms can work when you need them to, but apparently do not know when to turn off when that’s no longer the case.  This is where the majority of  my extreme pickiness, my unrealistic standards and my quick response to always say “next” come into play.

America  or Australia, it really really doesn’t matter where I live. I know, that if  I keep going at this rate, no one will ever be able break open my shell and  enjoy all this pistachio has to offer.

 But now that I know this, how do I fix it?

Well, I pride myself in having high standards, as everyone should, but there is a fine line between having standards and just being flat out ridiculous. It is now time to find a balance between upholding the justifiable standards and letting go of everything else.

  What once was something I just considered a simple snack,  the pistachio is now a strange symbol of who I was and who I have come to be when it comes to love. I decided to share this because I don’t think I am the only person who works this ways, I am not the only annoyingly closed pistachio.  I think many people  build walls over the years after each relationship whether they realize it or not, then struggle to wonder why  they are alone and why they think everyone they meet is an idiot. It is hard to remember the fact  that nobody is perfect, when perfect is the only thing we are unrealistically looking for. It is so effortless just to keep saying,”Oh that person talked funny” “That person had a weird thing with his hair” “That person didn’t text me back right away”.  It is just so easy to blame everybody we meet for the reason we are alone, when the  real answer lies within the walls we have confined ourselves in.

How are we ever going to see who a person really is with walls SO HIGH, that 99 percent of our  judgement is blurred?

It’s time for all of us closed shelled people to begin letting others in a little bit more, open our shell. Not become an “easy to open” pistachio.  No no, no. I am sure being easy is frowned upon even in the nut world.

But instead adjust our shells just a smidge more open..

Lower our walls just an inch down..

Allowing for the pistachio.. and the  girl,  to once again, become attainable

Capture

P.S I hope you never look at a pistachio the same ever again 🙂

You are welcome.

Feel free to leave a comment just below here  🙂

Or if it is more private, shoot me an email 🙂 Micheedom@gmail.com

Want to read the next chapter! Here you go:

The Story of the Pistachio: Chapter 2 – The Bearded Man

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Copyright © 2015 Michelle Thibeault

37 thoughts

  1. Yes yes yes! Everything about this post is yes to me. It reminds me of a quote by Helen Schucman, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Good luck on this journey! I know the feeling, and attribute it to an early, failing relationship as well. But I like to think that my life was meant for more than one great love… like adventure, writing, friendship, risk… and I bet yours is too.

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  2. Love the metaphor. I found it true it all aspects of relationships. When I sit in front of my pistachio bowl I always root for the most open nuts. They are ripe and ready just like me. Love your piece.

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  3. Wow, great analogy. I can definitely say that I’m a closed pistachio, but it’s not that easy to open up the shell. It takes a lot of strength and trust. But day by day I’m trying. Hopefully it works out for you also. 🙂

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  4. So so true” I am definitely with you in the closed pistachio pot!

    But little by little we can do it, give someone a chance to crack the shell and you never know someone might be tough but also awesome enough to break through the shell. x

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  5. I think you should have a little gold pistachio on a chain as a necklace! This was so sweet and lovely, I think I might buy some pistachios at the next opportunity and devour the lot! ❤

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