Driving Away the Fear of Motherhood


First published in October 2017

How do you embrace the fear of motherhood when you are overwhelmed with that fear?

Well, I have found myself driving in excess lately with my mind thinking of only my fear of becoming a mother.  Stuck in traffic on the way to and from work,  taking the long ways – spending hours a day alone, in my car.  Yes, I am physically in the car, but my mind altogether is somewhere else.  I am, in fact, everywhere but in that car, distracted and thinking about how much my life is about to change forever. That, any day now I will become a mother and have the biggest responsibility forever living alone on my shoulders.

Part of me just shuts down when I think about how scared I am of motherhood. As if I have finally done it. Have I finally bit off more than I can chew? This trepidation is like nothing I have ever felt before. Creating an internal response to want to break down and cry.  Scream at the top of my lungs and just run away.

Be anywhere at any time in my life other than now.

I question if I can handle the stress of owning this responsibility. This isn’t like moving to Australia, where if I didn’t like it I could just move home. Or starting a new job, that if it wasn’t a good fit I could just quit. This responsibility….this one is indefinite and there is no turning back.

Driving has become the closest thing I have to running, as I can manipulate my mind to take me back to simpler times….

Like at 14, where my biggest fear was that my VCR did not tape the NSYNC performance on The Ellen Show.

Or 16, where my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t see my crush at the punk rock show that night.

Or 18,  that I would oversleep from working my graveyard shift at Norms Diner, and miss my commercial audition.

I am now 20 again, trying to scope out which bar would be more likely to let me in without an ID.

Or 22, trying to find that perfect classic rock song on the jukebox in order to beat some stranger in billards.

All these years of my life, though they didn’t feel very carefree at the time, actually were when I think of what all I have ahead of me.

I guess taking that leap into a whole new chapter of your life is never easy. The unknown is frightening especially when it involves being responsible for someone else’s life.  Like uncharted waters that for once, my fear has blocked me from wanting to explore.

But every time I freak out and every time I sit there and cry,  somehow my mind always leads me back to one place. Random times of comfort…

Being 4 years old sitting with my mom on the couch while she performs this little piggy to my toes.

Now 5, at my preschool graduation so excited to see my family in the audience I peed my pants.

Or 7,  pretending to fall asleep on the couch so my dad would have to carry me upstairs and tuck me in.

Or 8,  on random rainy days when my mom would take me to Subway to get my favorite meatball marina sandwich.

No matter how utterly scared I am to become a mother, I am quickly reminded why I wanted to become a mother and fill that part of me that has always felt incomplete.  It is my turn to shape wonderful and meaningful memories for someone else. All the memories I have of my childhood is my constant fuel to push through my fears and remind me of how amazing being a mother will be.

 Yes, my life is about to get pretty damn hard and scary for a while but it is also about to be pretty damn worth it. I know I will stress about money and my child’s health, but I will also get to become the tooth fairy and take him to Disneyland.  I know I will worry when he doesn’t come home or goes off to college, but I will also get to see him live wild adventures all of his own just like his momma.


Until the day he finds himself driving in the car, driving away the fear of fatherhood and is taken back to memories with me.

beautiful pregnant girl

<3 Hot Mess

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  1. Being a mother is SO challenging and scary!!! But it’s totally rewarding as well!

  2. Fear of the unknown is such a normal feeling. But the rewards of motherhood are greater than the fear. Great post!

  3. Motherhood is not easy however as a mom we have no choice! It can be a bit much but at times but I feel like it makes us stronger!

  4. Being a mother is hands down the most challenging yet as they grow up and the challenges change, each time we overcome one I know it’s the only place in life I’d want to be.

  5. I feel this mama! I had so much fear with my first. I had pretty intense postpartum anxiety. I’m finally feeling comfortable with taking things as they come and feeling ok that I can’t control everything. What I can do is just love and enjoy all the moments. Thanks for sharing!

  6. I can relate to what you wrote! Thanks for sharing your story and providing a source of assurance to new moms.

  7. You beautifully captured the fears we all feel. We want to be perfect for our babies, but all we can do is love them and fill them with feelings of self love and sufficiency, so much so that they’re able to combat the world and in turn know they are strong enough to face whatever scares them. Welcome to motherhood!

  8. Motherhood is quite the wild ride that’s for sure. I like how you mentioned becoming the Tooth Fairy – it is these moments that I’m looking forward to, last year Santa became a bigger deal in our house and I know this year he’s going to be huge and I’m really looking forward to create magic for them.

  9. Your fear probably comes from a place of not feeling good enough. You are. You will be an amazing mom.

  10. This was a beautiful post! The thought of motherhood was so scary to me as well…and now it’s the most amazing (and hardest) thing I’ve ever experienced! Thanks for sharing!

  11. You got this! I was never scared of being a mom but it was tougher then I thought. However, all the tough times are so worth it! I love being a mom and it is worth it everyday!

  12. Yes, having kids is scary but it’s so worth it! 😍😍

  13. I was definitely scared the first time I became a Mom. Luckily the fear goes away and your mom instincts instantly kick in!

  14. The fear is totally understandable but the experience is so rewarding!

  15. Motherhood is a journey. I love being a mother.

  16. It was nice to read about your life and your feeling about motherhood. Each of us comes to it differently and it was interesting to ready your story.

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